God: The Interview Read online

wrong! What if there is a fault in your forseeing and you get it wrong?

  GOD: I don’t get it wrong. You needn’t worry—

  ME: I’m not the one that should be worrying!

  GOD: You should be! Being under Satan’s sole rule would be terrible.

  ME: One third of your angels don’t think so!

  GOD: They are corrupted. No longer perfect. They can’t think straight—

  ME: Maybe they think it’s YOU who can’t think straight!

  GOD: They are wrong. They are wrong.

  ME: Prove it!

  GOD: That’s what you are for. That’s what the human race was created for. That’s why you exist.

  ME: Why? Why do we exist?

  GOD: To enable the angels to decide one way or the other who is right and who is wrong.

  ME: You mean—

  GOD: Between Satan and me. You are the testing ground, the demonstration of my glory, the proof of Satan’s evil. You confirm what my angels have no evidence for apart from my words. You demonstrate the reality of what I have told them. They see for themselves how horrible Satan is in his dealings with you humans. The pain he causes you. The misery. They see my character contrasted with his. They see what I do. How I act. They see me dying on the Cross to save the human race from agony in Hell with Satan. I reveal my character through my dealings with you humans and Satan reveals his. The angels choose accordingly. Those angels who now love evil choose evil. Those who have always loved good choose good.

  ME: Who came up with this great idea of using us as guinea pigs?

  GOD: Both Satan and I. I proposed a great deal and Satan suggested many modifications. We finally agreed and so—

  ME: That’s right! You chat together, don’t you! The book of Job. Yes. You take a bet, a gamble on poor old Job, happily wipe out his family all for a bet!

  GOD: I didn’t wipe out his family! That was Satan.

  ME: He had to ask your permission, didn’t he? So what’s the difference?

  GOD: A great deal!

  ME: What a horror! God and Satan chat together and decide evil experiments on the human race! A Doctor Mengeles God! And Earth is Auschwitz!

  GOD: I created a Paradise for you and you destroyed it!

  ME: Why didn’t you stop Satan?

  GOD: You have freewill—why didn’t you?

  ME: I wasn’t even there. There was no Adam and Eve.

  GOD: They are my friends.

  ME: All looney tunes with a fake God. Time for a break while I try to take this all in.

  As the music fades in I ask “Why haven’t you written a book on all this?” He replies, “I have, but you don’t believe it let alone read it.” “Oh that. The Bible says nothing like this. I read much of it when I was young and it’s just trash—a bunch of yarns—” “I told you I was here to explain it.” “You’re doing well. Very well. The whole world is watching this little channel.”

  01.29.12

  ME: Welcome back, you’re watching “In Town Tonight” and my guest is God. What else do you and Satan discuss? Do you divvy the world up into these humans for Heaven and these humans for Hell?

  GOD: There is a committee of angels. And a great cloud of observers. They are called Watchers in the book of Daniel. Both Satan and I make proposals to this committee and they allow us or prevent us from doing what we wish. That is why I am so desperate for human prayers—to give me all the moral right I wish I could show the committee so that they must let me act.

  ME: I’m shocked. GOD has to ask permission? Who chose this committee?

  GOD: The angels choose them as their representatives.

  ME: Both good and bad angels?

  GOD: Both good and bad. I am calling them a committee because that is the closest thing humans could understand. But in fact communication is such in Heaven that every angel has its thoughts recorded and it has its effect the moment they think them.

  ME: Even the bad angels?

  GOD: I can’t possibly explain the multi-multi-dimensional levels eternity operates on. We can block out what we wish and accept what we need. There is this ultimate, final, terrible battle going on between Good and Evil, God and Satan, operating on so many levels, and the committee decides on unspoken proposals Satan and I are putting forward all the time.

  ME: How can they know them if they are unspoken?

  GOD: I am trying to avoid the term, but you would call it telepathy. Telepathy is bad on earth but good in Heaven. Natural. We hear each other’s thoughts all the time—

  ME: What an unholy row!

  GOD: We hear on millions of different levels. We have differing intelligences so can process automatically what we are able to and need to. Our best angels can process everything. They hear the proposals and the reactions to them automatically. No one can dispute their decisions because the evidence is before everybody at every moment—

  ME: And God has to get their okay before He acts! Incredible—

  GOD: So does Satan. No one can act autonomously. If they did they would automatically lose the battle. We must play within the rules—

  ME: You make a game of the human race! With disastrous consequences—

  GOD: Believe me, it is no game!

  ME: Poor Job! Poor us!

  GOD: Prayer, and the lack of it, is the basic currency Heaven deals in. And actions validate prayers. Christian inaction and prayerlessness is prayer to Satan. I can’t possibly condense Heaven’s reality sufficiently into human terminology. Except to say it is very serious that you Western Christians do not pray. You give Satan moral right to wreck your world, and your lack of prayer ties my hands.

  ME: You never ever listened to my prayers—

  GOD: You don’t have a personal relationship with me. A friendship. I only really listen to my friends. But I’ve heard every prayer you’ve prayed. It is impossible for an omniscient God to do otherwise—

  ME: You never once gave me what I ask for—

  GOD: That’s because you ask amiss—to spend it on yourself instead of wanting to further my will on earth. Prayer is much more than asking for good things for yourself or even for others. The only true aim of all prayer is that God’s will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven. All other praying is never true prayer.

  ME: Do you realise how selfish that sounds? Your version of God is a tyrant! A self-satisfied, narcissistic, know-it-all dictator!

  GOD: If I were, you would all be slaves pre-programmed to do my every tiny whim. I am the infinite perfection of all things good. That’s why you should seek only my will.

  ME: How often do you chat with the Devil?

  GOD: He is always in my face, accusing me and mine of something or other.

  ME: And is he right in his accusations?

  GOD: Often. But he has no alternative plan to put up, except to take over the lordship from me.

  ME: So he tells you the truth but you don’t act on it?

  GOD: His truth is condemnatory. Mine is uplifting. His destroys. Mine builds. He is for pain and punishment. I am for mercy and peace. He kills. I make alive. We come at the same truth from opposite sides, negative and positive.

  ME: The whole world believes you stand over the human race with a big stick.

  GOD: If I did, you’d be wiped out by now. I am the one defending you from Satan’s big stick.

  ME: So you can’t act unless the committee of angels gives you the green light?

  GOD: Neither can Satan. And both of us run into debt and build up an arrears that must be wiped off. That’s why the most valuable people on earth to me are those who pray for my will to be done on earth as in Heaven.

  ME: An arrears of prayers? Satan has people praying to him?

  GOD: Oh yes. But the whole human race is praying to him and worshipping him day and night with their self-centred lives.

  ME: I don’t believe you. I don’t worship Satan—

  GOD: You worship Satan by living your life independent of me just as Satan does. All those who decide for themselves what they will
be and what they will do are doing exactly what Satan does. My angels don’t do a thing without my approval. All Christians who do things without my consent are being Satanic, not Godly. They are creating a massive moral right for Satan to act against me. My biggest enemies are Christians who live for themselves and not for me. Satan loves them. They fill his coffers with so much moral right he can plunder and wreck my works day and night.

  ME: Sinning Christians—like the ones who fiddle around with little boys—?

  GOD: They are bad enough. But no, the average Christian who just lives for himself, does what everyone else in the world does. Lives a good outward life. Nice house, nice cars, good to his wife and kids. No different from the people next door, just trots along to church on a Sunday. Would never dream of getting into any trouble with the law. Aims to buy a better house, update the car, rise to the top of his profession where he never mentions Jesus or Christ as that would be bad for his image. Watches lots of TV and the best latest movies and DVDs. Just like Satan, makes his life almost entirely without me, lives as if I didn’t exist apart from an hour or so on Sundays. Lives as if I never died, as if there were no Good News to tell. Whereas all my best Christians are in prison. They offend all authorities. They offend everyone around