God: The Interview Read online



  FOREWARNED

  -00.17.15

  Of course not! Don’t you even begin to believe it! No way was it God I interviewed that night! I quizzed a man posing as God, pretending to be God, who might maybe have even THOUGHT he was God, or hoped he was God, or wished he was God. But would God dress like that? I am glad to say from the rage of comments that arose out of the religious furore following that broadcast, hardly anyone of any quality or reputation (apart from the odd bishop or equally nutty professor) thought otherwise than that I was speaking that night to a fraud and a charlatan, a sincere fraud maybe and a well-meaning charlatan perhaps, but believe me more fake than Father Christmas’s snowy white whiskers.

  -00.16.29

  Then why, you ask, why this book’s ludicrous title? For commercial reasons. Pure greed. I point-blank refused to consider it but the original out-of-their-league publishers (unlike the present reputable ones) would have no other name. So we finally compromised on their by-me unedited appellation in exchange for my by-them unedited Foreword. So consider yourself cautioned. This book is a fraud, as fraudulent a fraud as ever a fraud has ever been perpetrated on innocent mankind. I repeat, this is not the record of anybody’s interview with God, least of all mine.

  -00.15.45

  Then why am I publishing a book of the verbatim transcripts of this ”God-given” interview? Firstly because I am staggered at what now passes as the original. I have seen DVDs so doctored as to depict “God” advocating totally opposed churches as every conceivable brand of Christianity has cut out any and every utterance that didn’t suit their doctrines and has had ”God” endorse them and their outfit as the one and only One True Church mankind has ever been blessed with. These technically brilliantly altered DVDs are nothing more than superbly lying fictions. I wouldn’t have believed the human race was capable of such technical dexterity had I not seen with my own eyes in astonished disbelief what could only be myself asking questions I never asked then watching God reply with words he never said. You can’t trust your own eyes these days. As I get a cut out of every DVD sold, you can test my sincerity by the fact that I say “Don’t buy it!” Or at least only from utterly trustworthy and totally reputable official sources.

  -00.14.34

  Yes, it is true that I did ask him that question: “Which is the one true church?” but I also heard his original evasive answer. I’ve even heard some church leaders excuse their fraudulence by saying they felt they had to get the DVD doctored just to protect their denomination from fraudulent denominations who had beaten them to it! It may be true that there has been a huge outcry and public condemnation by those churches’ highest leaders and those adulterating ministers have been (so we’re told) disciplined, yet their lying DVDs roll on, unstoppable. I have a personal grudge against all these so-called holy religious paragons illegally copying my DVD which is protected by law under copyright yet they flout the law in the name of the righteous religion they believe in for their own and their church’s personal gain.

  -00.13.39

  Did you know that I—I have been accused of initiating the DVD-doctoring? True! An interviewer recently asked me: “Why should believers endlessly endure your antagonism to the one they truly believe is God? The very first doctoring of the videos was by those who only wanted to tone down your hostility, who wished only a reverent questioning of one they took to be Almighty God.” Reverent questioning? Since when did I ever reverently question anyone? God must know my reputation. Yet God chose me. So He wanted to be grilled over a white hot fire, right? You can’t have it both ways. If God wanted respect He sure would not have chosen THIS interviewer. But He did, so He didn’t. Try that on for size!

  -00.12.48

  Actually this proves for once and forever that wasn’t God: Would God choose me to interview him, a person who’s not the slightest bit religious and never will be, who never darkens the door of any church except for weddings and funerals, and only if I can’t get out of it? What do I know about theology? Every day I get thousands of letters from wingeing Christians asking why didn’t I ask this or that convoluted theological prolegominal paraplatudinous inexactitude—Because I didn’t know to, that’s why, and boy do I plan to keep it that way!

  -00.12.14

  But secondly (sigh), I want to make a stand against the utter endemic gullibility of mankind. Some sage said “Man is incurably religious,” and after this experience who could doubt it? I would never have believed that tens of thousands of people would mob our TV station even before the broadcast had ended just for one glimpse of “God”, or that in the ensuing days gentle, law-abiding citizens would pour in from all over the world and tear down an entire building with scissors and pocket knives and many with just their bare hands, solely to take back to their homes an icon of good luck from a building God may or may not have visited. Some interviewed said they didn’t really believe it was God but what if they were wrong? Many said they had never defied the police in all their lives but standing a few feet away from where maybe God had stood turned them into defiant monsters and no police force on earth could hold back that psychological mind-set. It is so unreal nobody can believe it happened, least of all those who partook in the wrecking. Now even the dust is being scooped up and sold by the owner who at first bewailed his bad luck and now can’t believe his good fortune. He is mailing dirt worldwide—Earth’s first dust billionaire. So my interviewee ”prophesied” that, did he? Made it happen, you mean! HE planted the idea of wrecking the building! HE made it happen by clever suggestion! Very cunning! You got to hand it to him! A master manipulator!

  -00.10.37

  What was even more unreal was after we were forced to move to new studios and thoughtlessly took our cameras and clip-on mikes and broadcast equipment with us, how all that was first wrecked, then filched presumeably by fanatical Christians who yea verily believe “Thou shalt not steal!” Give it all back, you hypocrite ratbags! Even when we bought replacements they did it to us again! Why? Just in case we’d faked reports of the first thefts! (Why didn’t we think of that great idea!) I’ve read their reasoning: “God spoke through those mikes, was recorded through those cameras, so they are too sacred to be left in the hands of unbelieving atheists”—then pay for them, you fake Christians! Or at least buy us replacements. What kind of Christianity is that?

  -00.09.47

  Then they turned on me. I refuse to become a saint by association. I have never softened my assertion that that fraud wasn’t God, but a con-God. Many have asked Aren’t I afraid of being struck by lightning for making such statements when so many adamantly believe yea God verily? Listen. I wasn’t ten minutes into the interview before the boss came on the earpiece to tell me to soften my antagonism as we were receiving threats for not treating God with sufficent respect. Yet not another ten minutes had elapsed before the boss was advising me to hit harder than ever because we were receiving even stronger threats for broadcasting blasphemy. I have now had so many death-threats from both for and against extremes the police have quit investigating. I wear bullet-proof vests, even to bed!

  -00.08.49

  But my negativity hasn’t stopped the saint-seekers. God wouldn’t choose just anybody and God chose me to be his interviewer. So there must be something special about me or God wouldn’t have wanted me. So they need my signature, my potted autobiography, any spare photos or cast-off clothing or even a snippet of what’s left of my hair. Why do they want to hasten my baldness? Because I breathed the same air and spoke face-to-face with God! Not! So what if I did? Would that make me anything I wasn’t before? When nobody wanted anything of mine other than my money, just like any normal person? Listen. I am nothing special and never will be. So stop bugging me and let me sleep at night. Or I might forward
a few of those death-threats to you non-thinking time-wasting saint-makers.

  -00.08.01

  But, I’m asked a thousand times an hour, didn’t I see something special in the man opposite me? Wasn’t there a glowing golden aura around his head, an awesome resonance when he spoke, and when he said I AM, didn’t I want to fall backwards in my chair and knock myself out on the floor? Answer: NO NO and NO. I thought he looked utterly stupid in that toga thing. And his explanation of it and the unwashed dust was so ludicrous I just wanted to laugh. The only thing that impressed me as a professional was his ability to act. He was clearly of the Stanislavsky Method school and never once moved out of character in the ad breaks. That was impressive. He had also soaked himself in his subject. I’ve heard that he’s made some theologians re-think their formerly airy-fairy belief-system. Yes, I could believe that. The guy is clearly intelligent and given a